Out of Context - Harry Potter
by shadowhunter57
Summary: UPDATED! Harry Potter quotes taken out of context: a crackfic featuring Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, Snape, and Filch.
1. Chapter 1: Year 2

Disclaimer: Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Ginny Weasley, Severus Snape, and Argus Filch belong to J.K. Rowling and the capitalized sections are direct quotes from the Harry Potter series. We just decided to take some of her quotes out of context and thus this fic was born. Thanks Callie and Andie for co-writing this. Enjoy!

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Update: I have created a new story called "Minerva Interrupts Severus' and Argus' Special Mew-ment" which is a sort of extension of the short scene with Filch and Snape. Please read and review! :)

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Ron and Harry sat in the common room with Hermione by their side, doing homework with Ginny. Ron and Hermione were in a heated debate about Malfoy.

"I'm just saying, Malfoy seemed very proud during potions class," Ron moaned.

" **SOME WIZARDS JUST LIKE TO BOAST THAT THEIRS ARE BIGGER AND BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE'S,"** Hermione said, comforting Ron.

" **YEAH, SIZE IS NO GUARANTEE OF POWER,"** Ron admitted.

Harry looked at his friends, aghast. " **WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE RECEIVING END… HAVE YOU?"**

Ron and Hermione slowly shook their heads, turning red.

"Well, maybe you should sometime…" Harry winked and bit his lip.

"I guess I might want to, but I wouldn't know what to do…" Ron admitted while Hermione looked scandalized.

"I can show you if you like," Harry offered.

Ron's look of conflicted desire was all Harry needed to know that this would happen.

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A few days later…

Harry had been eagerly anticipating collecting on Ron's promise to be on the receiving end for once. He had wanted to ask him in person, but Professor McGonagall was droning on and on and class wasn't ending anytime soon. **INSTEAD HE CONTENTED HIMSELF WITH SCRAWLING A NOTE TO RON:** _ **LET'S DO IT TONIGHT**_ **.**

 **RON READ THE MESSAGE, SWALLOWED HARD,** and blushed, but Harry could see the excitement in his eyes. Finally, he nodded, making sure that McGonagall wouldn't notice the mounting tension between them.

After class got out, Harry, wanting the night to be perfect, headed to the library to do some research.

Hermione walked up to him a few hours later, questioning why he was in the library. He usually never stepped foot in there. Her questions were soon answered by looking down. There seemed to be something more enhanced than usual.

" **AN ENGORGEMENT CHARM, I SUPPOSE?" SAID HERMIONE, HALFWAY BETWEEN DISAPPROVAL AND AMUSEMENT. "WELL, YOU'VE DONE GOOD JOB ON THEM."**

Harry looked off to Ron, sitting over a few tables over, studying.

" **THAT'S WHAT YER LITTLE SISTER SAID,"** whispered Harry **, NODDING AT RON. "MET HER JUS' YESTERDAY."**

Ron looked up at hearing a mention of Ginny. Harry sent a smolder his way, full of longing and promise. Ron blushed, pushed his books off the table, and stormed out of the library. Harry knew he would have to try harder to get the intention of his desire across.

Despite his time in the library, Harry still felt inadequately prepared for his night, so he approached the one person he knew would have the information he needed - Snape.

 **HE PUSHED THE DOOR AJAR AND PEERED INSIDE— AND A HORRIBLE SCENE MET HIS EYES. SNAPE AND FILCH WERE INSIDE, ALONE. SNAPE WAS HOLDING HIS ROBES ABOVE HIS KNEES.**

Harry stopped in the doorway, stunned at what he saw, but undeterred at heart, and kept watching. Harry remembered the other time he walked in on Filch and Snape, in his first year, when Snape had been injured. "I guess their relationship has developed since then…" Harry thought. Filch **WAS ON ALL FOURS AGAIN ON SNAPE'S OFFICE FLOOR** , but this time in different context.

Harry decided he had seen enough, and turned to go back to the Gryffindor common room. He ran into Ron polishing his Chudley Cannons figurines by the fireplace. Ron began enthusiastically filling Harry in about their recent victory. **HARRY, HOWEVER, HAD NEVER BEEN LESS INTERESTED IN QUIDDITCH; HE WAS RAPIDLY BECOMING OBSESSED WITH** Ron Weasley **.** Ron noticed that Harry wasn't paying attention to his news, and nudged him out of his daydream. Looking into Ron's blue eyes, Harry was surprised to realize that he had begun wanting his best friend instead of his nemesis everyone thought he was into. Wanting to steer the conversation into more interesting waters, Harry brought up the subject of their wands.

"Wow, your wand looks good, regardless of its recent interaction with the Weeping Willow," Harry complimented Ron.

At Ron's disbelieving look, Harry elaborated. " **IT'S IN FINE CONDITION… YOU TREAT IT REGULARLY?"**

" **POLISHED IT LAST NIGHT,"** Ron replied, grinning.

 **HARRY LOOKED DOWN AT HIS OWN WAND. HE COULD SEE FINGER MARKS ALL OVER IT. HE GATHERED A FISTFUL OF ROBE FROM HIS KNEE AND TRIED TO RUB IT CLEAN SURREPTITIOUSLY. SEVERAL GOLD SPARKS SHOT OUT OF THE END OF IT.** Hermione **GAVE HIM A VERY PATRONIZING LOOK, AND HE DESISTED.**

"Do you have to do that here?" Hermione questioned the pair of boys.

"Where else are we going to?" Ron asked, indignantly. "He has a fine wand… **RATHER THICKER THAN ONE USUALLY SEES… QUITE RIGID… TEN AND A QUARTER INCHES"**

Hermione blushed. "That isn't something you usually share with other people, Ronald."

Harry preened and whispered something in Ron's ear that made him blush, stand up, and walk up to their room, followed by his best friend.

Once they were in their room, Harry sat down and patted the bed.

" **WE'RE NOT GOING TO USE MAGIC?" RON EJACULATED LOUDLY,** betraying his nervousness.

"Why would we, when there are better means… more… old fashioned means?" Harry smirked devilishly in response, tossing Ron a small bottle.

"Well are you going to help me out then," asked Ron after examining the bottle.

" **I DUNNO," SAID HARRY. "MAYBE IT'S BETTER WHEN YOU DO IT YOURSELF, I DIDN'T ENJOY IT MUCH WHEN DUMBLEDORE TOOK ME ALONG FOR THE RIDE."**

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The next morning, Harry was sitting in the common room staring into the fire. **HARRY DIDN'T SLEEP ALL NIGHT. HE COULD HEAR** Ron **SOBBING INTO HIS PILLOW FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE HOURS. HARRY COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY TO COMFORT HIM. HE KNEW** Ron **, LIKE HIMSELF, WAS DREADING THE DAWN. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN THE REST OF GRYFFINDOR FOUND OUT WHAT THEY'D DONE?**

The rest of his house slowly started waking up and coming downstairs to head to breakfast. After a few minutes, Ron came down the stairs and sat down in the chair next to him.

" **WHY SO MISERABLE, HARRY?" HE SAID QUIETLY. "YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF AFTER LAST NIGHT."**

Harry looked down at his hands. "This was all to satisfy your curiosity. **HOW WAS IT?"**

Ron **CONSIDERED FOR A MOMENT. "WET," HE SAID TRUTHFULLY.**


	2. Year 3, Part 1: Summer Adventures

Disclaimer: Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, Mrs. Weasley, Fred and George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, and Draco Malfoy belong to J.K. Rowling and the capitalized sections are direct quotes from the Harry Potter series. We just decided to take some of her quotes out of context and thus this fic was born.

 **A/N: I will be uploading more chapters over the summer, so keep posted! I also wrote a pun-y off-shoot of the first chapter of this fic; check my page for more info. Please review, follow, and favorite if you like it!**

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It was the summer before Harry's second year at Hogwarts, and he couldn't be more excited to be going back. He reminisced about the castle. He missed everything - the common room, the delicious food, and even Peeves. His life at Number 4, Privet Drive was extremely boring compared to the antics that he and his friends got up to at Hogwarts. He wished that August would come more quickly.

oxoxo

Harry was safely at the Burrow, having been saved by Ron and his brothers. Mrs. Weasley was disappointed at them, but her anger melted away after seeing Harry arrive safe and sound.

"Well, thanks for the warm welcome, Mrs. Weasley, but I'm tired after the journey and would love to lie down for a nap," Harry said sheepishly, winking at Ron.

"Oh, sure. Ron, show him to your room?" Molly nudged Ron towards the stairs.

 **LET'S GO TOGETHER, WE'VE ONLY GOT A MINUTE," RON SAID TO HARRY.**

"Just make sure to be quiet. I know how you teenage boys are… You know that Fred and George are in the bedroom directly below Ron," Molly replied.

"MOM!" Ron blushed.

" **THEY WOULDN'T MIND," HARRY REASSURED HER.**

"Oh, we had to deal with all the noises they made during school. We got used to casting a silencing charm by the second week of school," Fred and George replied simultaneously.

"Okay, but make sure Ginny doesn't hear about this. I don't want her to get distressed about heading to Hogwarts for the first time," Molly replied. "Oh, and you'll need some protection. I don't want you getting any diseases. Fred, George, could you please help them?"

" **HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT, MUM," SAID FRED. "HARRY, WATCH US FIRST."**

Fred and George showed Harry and Ron the proper practices to stay safe, and then Ron and Harry ran up the stairs, blushing.

"Seriously, they make it sound like this is our first time. We are probably more experienced than Fred and George!" Ron whispered angrily.

"You never know… They seem quite friendly with that Lee Jordan, and they seemed to know what they were doing when they showed us…" Harry replied.

Once Harry and Ron got up to Ron's room, they cast a silencing charm and undressed.

"Do you want to experiment? I brought some Floo powder up here. I've heard it's a great aphrodisiac," Ron asked, grabbing a handful of the powder. "So what you do…"

Ron gave Harry some pointers, but Harry was so overwhelmed that he only heard some of it. The words that stuck in his mind were "mouth, suck, and powder."

Ron demonstrated what to do, using Harry. Let's just say, no "Wingardium Leviosa" charm was needed.

"Okay, I think I'm ready…" Harry sucked in a breath and composed himself. **HE OPENED HIS MOUTH AND IMMEDIATELY SWALLOWED A LOT OF HOT ASH.**

"Harry?! Are you okay? You weren't supposed to suck in the powder!" Ron panicked and ran to the bathroom to get a glass of water for Harry, just barely remembering to wrap something around his waist. It's not as though his family didn't know what they were doing up there, but it would still be awkward.

Harry felt as though he was going to cough his lungs out through his mouth, and **HE CLOSED HIS EYES AGAIN WISHING IT WOULD STOP, AND THEN** Ron came back into the room. He gulped down the whole glass of water, and immediately felt better.

"Um, Ron, maybe we shouldn't try that again…" Harry said, his face bright red.

"Yes, I think that's probably for the best," Ron agreed.

xoxox

Harry and Ron spent the rest of the month practicing Quidditch moves, being forced to De-Gnome the yard by Mrs. Weasley, and experimenting. They never went back to the Floo powder, but they still had a lot of fun nevertheless. **THE END OF THE SUMMER VACATION CAME TOO QUICKLY FOR HARRY'S LIKING. HE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK TO HOGWARTS, BUT HIS MONTH AT THE BURROW HAD BEEN THE HAPPIEST OF HIS LIFE.** He couldn't wait to see what antics they could get up to at Hogwarts. Maybe they would spice things up a bit? He had heard that Malfoy was very talented…. It must be all that time he spends with Crabbe and Goyle.

To be continued...


	3. Year 3, Part 2: A New Recruit

Disclaimer: Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy belong to J.K. Rowling and the capitalized sections are direct quotes from the Harry Potter series. We just decided to take some of her quotes out of context and thus this fic was born.

 **A/N: Don't worry, this fic will continue to be Rated T. I do not have any want or need to delve into rated M fanfiction. Also, this chapter isn't as crack-y as the first two. I wanted get some more plot in but rest assured the next chapter will be more crack-y. That said, enjoy! Please review if you like it (or don't; all feedback is good feedback)**

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Harry and Ron had started their second year at Hogwarts a month earlier, and so far nothing too exciting had happened. Harry had found a diary that wrote back to him, which he thought was strange. When he asked Ron and Hermione for advice, they told him to bring it to Dumbledore immediately.

"It could be cursed, Harry!" Hermione yelled at him when he questioned whether or not Dumbledore could be trusted. "For goodness sake, he is the headmaster! Of course he can be trusted!"

oxoxo

Harry walked to the headmaster's office and said the password "sherbet lemon." The door swung open and Harry walked up the staircase.

"Harry, I'm so glad to see you!" Dumbledore welcomed him. "Sherbet lemon?"

"No thanks… I'm here for some serious business," Harry said as he pulled the diary out from his bag. "I found this diary in my school books and it writes back to me. I believe it may be cursed."

"You were smart to bring this to me," Dumbledore said distractedly as he looked at the diary. "I'm afraid I may not have been entirely honest with you…"

"What do you mean?" Harry asked.

"I wished to wait longer to tell you this, but I feel that you are ready. When you were just a baby, Voldemort tried to kill you. He didn't just give you that scar. In fact, he put part of himself in your body on accident," Dumbledore said slowly. "Not in the way that you're thinking, Harry… not… a physical part of himself, exactly. Part of his soul," Dumbledore explained. "He broke his soul up into seven parts and hid them so that he couldn't be killed easily. These are called 'horcruxes,' and if I'm correct, you just found the first one."

"Horcruxes?" Harry looked stunned. "Well, how do we find them?"

"You're not old enough yet… not powerful enough," Dumbledore said. "We can begin your training this year and hopefully in a few years we can go horcrux hunting together."

"Okay. So how do we destroy this horcrux?" Harry inquired.

"You need very powerful magic to destroy it. I've been thinking for a while now, and I think that the Sword of Gryffindor might work. Obviously I haven't had the chance to test my theory, but I think this is as good a time as any. Stand back, Harry," Dumbledore said as he grabbed the Sword of Gryffindor and plunged it into the diary.

The diary started screaming and Harry put his hands over his ears. An apparition of a boy a few years older than he lunged out of the diary, screaming. The apparition faded until it finally disappeared. Dumbledore took the sword out of the diary and a hole appeared where the sword had been, along with a puddle of ink all around the diary.

"Well, one down, six to go!" Dumbledore said happily as he wiped off the sword with his robe and put it back.

xoxox

Harry had just finished telling Ron and Hermione about his encounter with Dumbledore over dinner.

" **VOLDEMORT PUT A BIT OF HIMSELF IN** you **?"** Ron **SAID, THUNDERSTRUCK.**

"Ew, Ron. Not like that. His soul!" Hermione replied.

"Yeah, and apparently there are six more parts. We destroyed one tonight – it was in that diary," Harry explained.

"See, I told you it was bad news!" Hermione looked smugly at Harry and Ron.

Just then, Malfoy walked over to their table.

"Hey, Potter, I've heard that you're… quite talented…" Malfoy winked at Harry. "Do you want to show me some tips sometime?"

"Go away, Malfoy. He's mine," Ron glared at Malfoy.

"Really Potter? Weasley's the best you could do? I'll meet you by the Room of Requirement at nine. Seventh floor, across from the Barnabas the Barny tapestry. The Room will provide everything we need," Malfoy winked again and walked away.

"Room of Requirement?" Ron asked as he watched Malfoy leave.

"Yes, it's a room that changes to have whatever you require in it. I read about it in Hogwarts, A History," Hermione looked smug.

"Of course you did," Ron scoffed. "So, are you going to go, Harry?"

"I suppose it couldn't hurt…" Harry replied.

"That's not for certain…" Ron looked nauseated. "I've heard that Malfoy is very… endowed…"

"Ronald!" Hermione looked disgusted. "Harry, I don't think you should go. It wouldn't be very nice to cheat on Ron here."

"Don't worry, I won't do anything physical," Harry assured Ron.

oxoxo

Harry met Malfoy later that evening and they walked into the Room of Requirement.

"So, Harry, show me what you've got," Malfoy said as he started taking off his robe.

"No, no," Harry said quickly. "I promised Ron I wouldn't do anything physical. I can give you some tips though."

"Potter, I thought you could help. Tips are nothing like the actual thing," Malfoy sneered.

"Well, I suppose that's true. Let me go talk to Ron," Harry said.

He returned five minutes later, Ron in hand.

"Ron, I don't think this is a good idea…" Harry said.

"Relax. Malfoy's right. Seeing it is better than hearing about it," Ron assured Harry.

Ron and Harry gave Malfoy some tips, and even told him the Floo powder story from the summer.

"Floo powder? Really?" Malfoy looked apprehensive.

"It's an aphrodisiac," Ron explained.

"Whatever you say. I'm not going to try it anytime soon," Malfoy replied.

"Anyway. Let's get started. Harry, do you want to show Malfoy what to do, or should I?" Ron asked.

"No, no, I will," Harry answered quickly.

Harry showed Malfoy the ropes, but he seemed to be less experienced than he let on.

" **W-WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?" HE STAMMERED.**

"Just calm down," Harry said, patting Malfoy on the shoulder.

" **AND KEEP YOUR ELBOWS TUCKED IN," RON ADVISED.**

 **MALFOY WAS SCREAMING AND HOLDING HARRY SO TIGHTLY IT HURT.** He didn't seem pleased and told Harry to stop.

"Okay. Don't worry, you'll get better with practice," Harry assured him as he handed him a glass of water and patted him on the back.

"I'm not sure if I'm cut out for this," **SAID MALFOY, LOOKING SULKY AND BAD-TEMPERED.**

"I don't know; you have some natural talent. We could all meet at the same time next week?" Ron inquired.

"Sure, sounds good," Malfoy replied.

To be continued…


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